Bald and Bold

A page from diary 
8th march, 2018
 

I was on my way to bus stand to get tickets to Madurai. When suddenly I just knew I didn't   want to be there and told cab driver, chuck it, I will directly fly to Chennai. I thought may be I am too exhausted to visit one of the biggest temples i.e Meenakshi temple in Madurai. I recollected how I got totally lost the day day before at Rameshwaram temple, it is less than one forth size of Meenakshi temple. I had recently completed 200 hours of intense yoga course and martial arts which included asanas, kalaripayattu(Indian Martial Arta), meditation, yoga philosophy, anatomy and Ayurveda every day from 4am till 7pm. After completing the yoga TTC I had already traveled 3 religious/spiritual cities and two states in 3days. It was best I skipped Madurai and directly get to Chennai for connecting flight to Delhi where dad was being treated for brain tumor. My mom insisted while I was in Chennai I should visit Tirupati Balaji, some four hours away from Chennai.

I was not sure if I would make it to Tirupati Bala ji  (FYI- the richest temple of Vishnu in India where you need to book months in advance) I had no chance of getting in. But Vishnu had other plans. 

Next thing I knew I landed in Chennai and within 3 hours I was on my way to Balaji. Wooww fortunately I had my Bua (Dad's sister) and family visiting Balaji same time and secured me a ticket! Yay  Reaching temple gates Fufa ji (Bua's Husband) informed about the ritual where people offer or sacrifice their hair to the supreme. 

 In Hindu culture shaving of hair as offering for supreme represents a sacrifice of materialistic beauty and  giving up false ego.  Fufa ji was was shaving off his head, Bua offered to cut of three strings of hair, which is also an option for most devotees.

I thought yes, I wanted to shave my head too. I called mom for permission, she laughed and said "go for it don't think twice, she was more excited than I was. I was then handed a 50 rupee token and a blade and asked to join the queue of people waiting to be shaved. Was I the only female for full shave? Was I the youngest? Yes. My heart was sinking. Fufa ji was happiest man in the world, whereas Bua tried to change my mind 100 times she explained how it is different for females to sacrifice hair. My heart was racing faster now, it was easier said than done. I backed out. I got 3 strings of hair cut and rushed out gave my blade and token  to next person in queue.

Hair just a one month ago, I was ready to chop.

 As I sat outside waiting for fufa ji to be shaved. I reflected on how attached I was to my hair. I had straight silky hair which many envied. I thought about yogis and rishis  who in their playfulness had sacrificed   their eyes to the supreme. What could a 'tuch prani' (worthless human) like myself actually offer to lord except for flowers fruits and money. Does he need it? No? Its just returning to him what he gave us, these were the wise words of my fufa ji. Now was the time for me, may be the only opportunity to actually offer a part of me to the supreme. This is the best I could possibly do. I am no sage, no rishi. I called mum again. I told her I got scared and ran out. I wanted to go ahead but I know I would cry with every stroke of blade.  Mom said no Shiva, you don't cry when you offer, you offer with all your happy heart or you don't do it at all. By this time scared Bua had pulled me out of the crowd into the car. Now it was on me to decide. I thought to myself what was stopping me? What was I scared of ? I was scared of being judged,  scared of what would others say or think about me. Just few weeks ago I was buying hair accessories and getting my hair braided with stones and jewel and suddenly I was here. I was scared of  if I would look attractive or not. Why was I so attached to something which will grow back anyway, why was I holding so tight to my feminine identity as if nothing  existed  beyond me looking glorious in my hair. Then I thought about my dad and many other cancer patients who lose hair to cruel disease. I could feel their pain, I could cry with them right now. By now I was reflecting on my new years resolution which is 'Ishwara Pranidhana' it is the final Niyama of Yoga. It means surrender to supreme, every step/action you take is filled with breath, you are mindful, clear and you do it as offering to supreme. This was it I was going to surrender to Rama, I was surrendering to Hanuman. Period.

With Dad after chemotherapy

Next minute I was siting in sukhasana (easy pose) in front of this lady with long hair holding blade in her hand. With every stroke of her blade I was reciting Hanuman Chalisa and holding tightly on to my Nandi( shiva's bull) locket. Not a single drop of tear. I was calm, centered and happy. With every bit of hair shaved I could feel the release of any burden and attachments I contained in my heart. I was FREE! I Am Free

I am Brave again, I am bold. 

No longer I felt attached to any person  or situation that bothered me ten mins ago. 

No longer I was slave to what would people say. 

No longer did I care how feminine or masculine it would make me look.

I was no longer scared of being ME.

I just gifted myself Freedom from the cage I didn't know existed around me.

So long I had believed in culture of Red Indians that our hair are extension of our nerves and our source of connection to the Universe. Here, I shaved it all off and I have never felt so connected. So connected to myself, so connected to the universe. It was through disconnecting I actually found my connection.

Some people think it was just my other adventure, or just an impulsive decision. But no, the seed was planted last year while visiting Tibetan  monastery. I fell in love with how nun and monks lived a hair free life. I was in awe and had immense respect for them. I wanted to be part of them.  And, less then a week ago during a conversation with fellow yogini we talked, how amazing it is how other yogi/yoginis do vipasana, long meditation or shave their heads, we discussed minor possibility of us ever giving up food, hair or communication. Who could have imagined?

I was told me no female of my age shaves off her hair, it  is time when I should be getting married and wait till I am older and  shaving head would not impact  my life or beauty. But, Hey! What's the fun? Is it still a sacrifice, is it still shedding away your ego and identity. You cannot be offering or growing if you are doing it sitting in your comfort zone. Doing it because now no one will care, for now it is acceptable in society and now I am old and who cares. Its not courage my friend, its not growing. It is just giving your self false appreciation and possibly massaging your ego deeper. (No offence to anyone)

Yes, so far people have confused me to be a boy. Some looked at me with twinkle in their eyes and gave smile of acceptance. Some looked at me shocked. Some stared, stared and stared. Some stopped to fold hands and bow in front of me. One man stopped to tell me It was torturous for lord that a young girl shave her head and that I was testing the Lord himself. ohh well! nothing seemed to bother me.

Goodbye locks

I have looked for happiness and fulfillment all my life. No degree, certification, or award ever made me happy. I remember telling my mom during my convocation how bore I was and it was just for her I came to collect my degree. I was more than happy for it to be delivered to me. I could never understand if I was just too detached form world or I just didn't appreciate or respected  my own effort. Since last year I had disposed off jealousy, competition and comparison out of my system. I was still struggling with self image and overthinking. Overthinking stays but self judgement and low body image started to recede during my yoga training last month. With every breath I was sinking more and more into my body. I was loving and living my skin more than ever.
But, today marks completeness. Today completes me. Today I am who I was meant to be and I am happy. Today marks the B.C and A.D of my life. Today I stand just not for myself but also with every cancer patient, with everyone who ever felt sick in their own skin regardless of disease or no disease. Today I am Free, I am Brave and I stand with you.
  Happy Women's Day 

Govinda                             Govinda                             Govinda