Circle of Life - Story of Father and Daughter

I am few days old,
I am crying my lungs out aggitated, irritated, hungry,  just confused in my baby body. Dad stares at me not knowing what to do, he calls out for mom confused not knowing what to do.

Fast forward 26 years
 Dad is holding nurse's hand crying for help, he is confused, anxious, unable  to express. Nurse feeds him antipsychotic drugs to keep his anxiety under control. I hold him tightly trying to calm him down I ask dad, almost at the verge of breaking down "dad why are you crying, why are you crying?" dad said "sorry beta, I am sorry I dont know what is happening." and we both just hold on to each other and cry.


I am almost a year old,
I am starting to walk, dad is there helping me supporting me and even letting me fall. I hold tightly to his finger as I take my baby steps.

Fast forward 25 years
 He is using walker, completed third week of chemo he is almost paralysed in his right limbs and lost all co-ordination. He is unable to lift his leg and just drags along the right foot. Every evening I sit with him doing rehab exercises, teaching him again where is left, where is right. How to lift, how to walk.

 I must be 7
We sit every evening watching our favourite Shaolin Monks series and eat Maggie Noodles. I am amazed at how dad uses chop sticks, its fascinating. Mom gets me a set of 20 chop sticks so that I along with sister could learn the lethal skill from dad. Next day, I dont know how to use fork and knife. I just stab into my pizza. "No darling, fork in left and knife in right"  dad explains.

Fast forward 19 years
5th round of chemo completed, he sits staring at his plate
"dad, why are you not eating?"
"how do I eat?" he asks
"dad! with spoon?"
Super surprised he asks again "what is a spoon?"
 "let me feed you papa"

I am 10
Super excited! I need to sign my school diary, my first every signature, I run up to dad. Offcourse, he had the fanciest signature. Teach me, teach me I scream, I want signature as cool as yours and we sat there scribbling away paper by paper trying to design my signature.

Fast forward 16 years
Still undergoing chemo on weekly basis. "dada I need you to sign these bank documents"
He signs and again and again and again, something didnt fit, he could not get his signature right even after several attempts. "I think I have forgotten how to write" he states and pushes away the papers.
 We sat that night with brush and paints and  painted  every single alphabet and made some words.

I am 15
I watch dad recite hanuman chalisa every morning as part of his daily prayers. I want to do the same. As I sat with him every morning, he taught me how to read and recite the 40 versus.

Fast forward 11 years
I sit next to his hospital bed, now having learnt it by heart, I recite hanuman chalisa over and over again.

I am 18
Now proficient at hiding my emotions from world, but not dad. He knows it, he knows it every time I am happy, sad, miscchevious or in trouble. One look and he reads through me, infact he can read through all his kids just by looking at them.

Fast forward 8 years
He stays there staring non stop at the hospital ceiling and I sit there staring at him. Trying to understand his emotions, trying to read through him. Ocassionaly he would reply by blinking his eyes, grabbing my hand or simply saying yes or no. I wish I could just read through him.

Late Teens
I had my first heart break, I stand there depressed, dejected, crying like a baby. I hear loud and clear voice " I didnt raise a loser, what are you crying for, I am going to kill that boy, how dare he hurt you, look in my eyes Talk to me, you want to cry ? cry! but it wont do anything" it took him less than 15 mins and  I was calmer. I just hugged him and cried.

Fast forward 7 years
We discontinued Chemo after 6 weeks, his body just could not handle it. Now he is on bed, anxious, suicidal, crying and may be hallucinating " Kill me, Kill me, I dont want to live, I am dying, shoot me, shoot me"

I stood across the room and made myself very loud and clear "NO! look in my eyes, You are fine, you are not a loser, you have to be brave for us, you have to be brave for you rfamily. Its ok, no one is going to shoot you, you want to shoot? fine shoot! then what? Its not solving the issue." He just hugged me and cried.

Snap into present
Almost 5 months in Hospital. He stays still on the bed, completly paralysed on right and rarely speaks. We see you dad, we see you suffering, you are unable to express but we get it; Mom, I and all the kids at home, we know how you wish to be out of this situation right now and be at home with us. You hate it everytime we have to leave for home and you have to spend the night at hospital. We wish we could be there with you through out, just like you did.

Life is Fragile my friends, life is fragile. Little moments that we ignore, infact choose to ignore! are all that we will ever have. When you will stand and look back at the big picture you will be actually looking at these million litte pictures forming the big canvas of your life.

Namastay